i cut this morning ughh
i’m begening to go back to my bad chain :\
so yesterday i was clawing my neck instead of cutting and now my throat is swollen and it hurts so bad. my whole body hurts so badly, fuck being sick
i heard someone call me anorexic today. i don’t know if they wanted me to hear it or not but i did and it honestly hurt so bad. that’s one of the top words i hate being called. like hate with a passion. i was walking with my boyfriend to go to his house for a little, and some guy behind us said something like “damn that bitch is the definition of anorexic.” i put my head down and stood quite without making my boyfriend know that it bothered me cause i’m sure he heard those guys say it, we left his house and went to mine, we had fun walking to my house then being at my house BUT this bothered me the whole time. i just hate being called anorexic. its not my fault i’m naturally skinny. i try to gain weight, i eat a lot, i WANT to gain weight. i’m insecure about this. i think i know i’m skinny please don’t point it out .
i seriously need to stop acting the way i do. i keep fucking up and i know i try to change but i can’t. why cant once in my life i keep someone and be happy? why can’t i make them happy for once. i use to be be the girl who would always help people (which i still am today) but i use to be a better person in the past. now i’m not that good of a person anymore. i want the old me back. i need to try to keep myself and stop letting my feelings show, even if its hard. In the day i’ll be a normal girl (hopefully) and at night i just die inside. All i want is to be happy but, hey when was the last time i was happy or believed in happiness? but hey fuck this, fuck feeling, fuck everything, once i stop giving a fuck i’ll be happy.
